Dangerous Liasons
by daydream believer1
Summary: Rimmer gets blottoed. Lister saves him from an unfortunate morning afters. Mild slash RimmerLister


Disclaimer: They're not mine, but I promise I'll take real good care of them.

Summary :It's set before the entire crew dies. Basically Rimmer gets propositioned in the bar, when he say's yes he is saved by his hero and they all live happily ever after. Well that was the basic plan but I got side tracked after I wrote the first word.

Author's Notes: I did this when I was meant to be doing my maths homework, but I mad a mistake and while waiting for the white out to dry I decided to appease the rabid plot bunnies that Telifa and Bill had been playing with.  
Author's Notes 2: I realise that I've played around with cannon, seeing that Rimmer's only relationship was with Yvonne McGrudder.

Dangerous Liaisons 

Rimmer sat at the bar nursing a scotch on the rocks. It was his sixth that evening. What a wonderful world was playing in the background, Rimmer laughed. It was ironic really, how the world seemed wonderful for everyone but him. Actually it wasn't ironic, it was quite depressing. With that thought in his mind, he ordered another drink.

Stefania Wilkinson - Major 1st class, was having a lovely evening until somebody brought up Arnold Rimmer, who was always good for a laugh, and she had been roped in to going over to the Second Technician and getting the full Rimmer salute. Walking over to the bar, she made a game plane, if all went well she could be out of there in under three minutes, including getting the salute and leaving. If it didn't… well Charlie boy was going to have to do a, a, she didn't quite know yet, but by Jupiter it was going to be embarrassing and really quite inventive.

"Hello Rimmer, I'm Major Wilkinson." Once he realised her rank, and that _she_ was actually talking to him, it would be a matter of mere seconds for the salute.

"Really, good for you." Rimmer replied, staring into his drink, too drunk to really care.

Stefinia hmphed. Smeg. Time for plan B. "Don't I even get a salute?" she asked coquettishly at Rimmer.

He turned to her and gave her the two fingered salute. "There, now go away." He said darkly and ordered another drink.

Stefania was shocked, this was a side she'd never seen of Rimmer he was usually so annoyingly… smarmy. With Rimmer acting like this he seemed . hot. She blanched, Rimmer Hot! It was laughable. Well she conceded, he was just a little hot.

"You still here?" Rimmer asked not expecting a reply. "Look Corpral -" Rimmer was cut off.

"It's Major."

"Oh, whatever Major, I couldn't care less wether you are Lord, High Commander of the Universe and were retiring and you wanted me to be your replacement. Go Away."

Stefania looked shocked; with Rimmer like this he just oozed sex appeal. She licked her lips and decided on a new plan - have sex with Rimmer. Screw the game, she outranked most of them anyway. "Would you like to come to my quarters, for an informal chat session?" She asked.

Rimmer got up, he could do worse, hell he had, and she was really quite pretty if he wasn't so depressed he would be ecstatic. "Sure, why not?" He replied.

They were about to leave when a voice called out "Rimmer, your village called, they want their idiot back." Rimmer glared as a group of people laughed.

Lister jogged out of the group and over to him. "Tell me you didn't?" He asked.

"No" Rimmer replied. Stefania looked confused and Lister breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank God, I'm sorry mam. I'm going to have to take him off you. Captains orders."

Stefania stood there gaping like a fish.

As Lister led Rimmer down the corridors, he wondered again why he was stuck babysitting Rimmer, instead of being plastered, Kochanski's eye-shadow was the same shade as curry powder.

"Why do you do this to yourself, man? You know what Hollister will do to you." Lister asked.

It had all started out innocently enough. Rimmer had gone out and gotten roaringly drunk, when Toddhunter not knowing Rimmer only had two stages of drunkenness' - depressingly drunk and shag anything drunk. He had gone over and ordered a drink, by that time Rimmer was well past the first stage. In the morning Rimmer woke up with a splitting headache and an extremely satisfied Toddhunter who wanted more.

Rimmer spent the next month avoiding Toddhunter and alcohol. Hollister and the rest of the crew found it enormously funny. It was when it happened again and again and again that Hollister started to get rather pissed. It was rather hard to run a ship when half the officers where mooning over one person. So he had banned Rimmer from sleeping with any more officers, threatening to boot him out in to deep space if he did it again.

Rimmer found it incredibly depressing, thinking that again no one wanted him to be loved. Lister found it incredibly amusing and thought that Hollister was jealous.

"Because the one I love doesn't love me." Rimmer replied sadly.

"Well just ask her out." Lister suggested, as they reached their quarters.

"It's a him." Rimmer replied and started to get changed.

"Well ask him out then." Lister retorted and looked away.

Rimmer finished changing. "What if he says no?" Rimmer asked shyly.

"You'll deal."

"Ok" Rimmer replied, it was a good thing he was mildly pissed, cause what he was about to do would scare the beejeebers out of him if he was sober. He took a deep breath. "Listerwillyougooutwithme?" Rimmer mumbled.

"Huh" was Listers only response.

"Will you go out with me?" Rimmer repeated going redder that a tomato.

"Ok"

Rimmer looked shocked, then a huge smile crept over his face and he started to dance. He would have kept on dancing but he tripped over a rock and a little whit shoe with a big bow on it.

Lister smirked and helped him up. He looked into Rimmer's eyes and kissed him. They fell into Rimmer's bunk, still kissing. Eventually the heavy petting subsided and they just lay there entwined in each others arms. Both secure in the knowledge that Rimmer's dangerous liaisons would stop and Lister would be the only one getting any from Rimmer from now on.

The End.


End file.
